September 9th 2022 at 6:15pm was the day my life changed and the day I was at my happiest, or so I thought. The day I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t believe my eyes when the test came back positive. I knew my husband was going to be happy but it’s the initial shock of seeing those two beautiful pink lines that makes you think oh lord how will I tell him.
I was so sick the weeks leading up to that positive test, I constantly felt motion sick and chicken which is my favourite food made me so nauseous. I would have extremely vivid dreams of being pregnant with my baby that it felt so real until those dreams started fading night by night and deep down I knew something was wrong but I wanted to stay positive. I thought everything was going great until it was time for my first ultrasound.
That day was the day I fully knew something was wrong, the thoughts rushing through my head as they were looking for our baby during the ultrasound. You lay there and wonder, do they see our baby? is everything okay, is everything going as planned? All these thoughts but the room is so silent. Two weeks later another ultrasound and more blood test. I knew my world was getting ripped away from me in the blink of an eye.
I remember so clearly the phone call from my doctor saying the words nobody wants to hear “I’m so sorry but you’re experiencing a miscarriage” I was in shock, disbelief. Thinking this can’t be true, this is everything I’ve ever wanted, just to be a mom and it’s getting taken away from me just like that. My husband isn’t going to become a father, he won’t get to look at his baby in 9 months saying we did it, we made you. How do you go home and tell your husband he’s not going to be a father? That was one of the hardest things I’ve had to tell him.
October 27th 2022 a day that will forever be stuck in my head, a day I constantly think about everyday, the day that took away becoming a mom, becoming parents, watching our baby grow up and always being by our side. How could this be? What did I do to make this happen? It has to be my fault. These are things I couldn’t stop thinking about and truthfully things I still think about.
Everyday is a battle to forgive myself and come to terms that it wasn’t my fault, but it’s a process and a very long one at that. I would have been getting close to my due date and it breaks my heart knowing I’m close to it but I won’t have a baby coming into my arms. I know one day we will have a baby of our own and that’s the hope I hold on to everyday.
Please know you’re not alone, although I’m still battling these feelings, everyday it gets a little easier day by day. If you’re ever feeling lost or alone remember there is many resources out there to help you through this process. Please never hesitate to reach out!
Miscarriage Awareness and Stories 